Wednesday, October 22, 2008

New non UCI cyclocross callup rules.

For non UCI races, apparently some promoters have been using to establish a start order, but I would like to recommend promoters follow these new rules.

1) First row is reserved for cyclists who have blogs in which they refer to themselves as "pro" bike racers. Yes they are posting from their day jobs as bike mechanics and computer geeks, but because they get lapped by Ryan Trebon twice a year they are now "pro." The front row is for these fine people.

2) Depth of wheels. The next row is reserved for those man enough to rock the 60mm rims, the trispokes, the disc wheels (seen it),( the Rev-x's dont count due to the extreme risk factor and social suicide of riding them) etc. Obviously if you are willing to put 3000 dollar wheels on the line, you are training harder than the most euro cross racers.

3) Smell. This is easy enough. The more liniment you rub all over your body, the more euro you look, and the faster you will go. You can be smelled from the last row by the official with the whistle. Move up.

4) Skinsuit to temperature ratio: The more inappropriate your skinsuit is for the weather, the further up you go. Long sleeves with a feed zone in the race because it is so hot? Move up. Shorts in KC in December. Move up. There is usually a direct correlation between the liniment and skinsuit rule.

5) Style off the bike. Can you be mistaken for (what people think) a not at work bike messenger (looks like) when you are not racing? Visible tattoos and piercings? Cycling caps and Chrome bags? Again, the final call ups are for you.

Tie breakers go straight to the hottness of the girlfriend which you brought to the race to cheer/pickup your jacket from the start grid. (Just realized that I usually have Mayhew or Ed, lose and lose again.)

Compound any of these for a guaranteed front row start.


mikewest said...

What if I have my name on my top tube, but I'm not actually on a team. Will that help?

Anonymous said...

your blog has to be some of the funniest shit in a cycling I've ever read.

reverend dick said...


samlikesbikes said...

"the Rev-x's dont count due to the extreme risk factor..."

It's cyclocross. You need to add some risk factor. Circles=boring.

Anonymous said...

Steevo, stop being a bicycle snob. Hippie.

Your pal,
El Capitan